Caution:Venting Ahead

Those of you who know me, know that I don't like to cry in public, I don't like to admit when I am upset, or sad. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I like to keep those said things to myself. There are so many other people who are worse off than me and I feel like, what is so bad in my life where I need to cry and be selfish? I love to help others feel better and help them make decisions that may be hard to make on their own. I love being a friend. I love being a bridesmaid, I love being a aunt. I love knowing that there are people out there who love me for me and who can count on me to be there for them for whenever they need me. I love being that person. I love giving gifts and my time to talk to you if you need it. I love and want to have girls nights and trips. But here lately that is not who I am. I am mad, sad, hurt, upset, selfish, mean, greedy, and everything that I am not normally. I HATE feeling/being like this. I am still trying to put myself on the back burner and not feel this way but I honestly think it is making things worse. I am still in school, which I honestly feel really good about where that will take me. I recently changed my major into something that I feel will suit me perfectly and I can't wait to see where it takes me. I have applied for a few jobs that are working in that field, I have also applied for a job that is just a clerical position. Which takes me to the topic of my job. I should be so grateful that I even have a job and I know that. But I hate mine. I hate being here, I hate my job duties, I hate the fact that soon when it comes in, I will have to wear a uniform. To some that may not seem like a big deal, but they are horrible. That was the final decision in me finding another job or trying should I say. My bosses are not really bosses, everyone walks all over them and I can't stand it. I love most of the people that I work with and will really miss them, but I think my happiness will win that over in the end. I have to be happy with where I work. I am just that type of person. It has gotten to the point where it's almost everything about being there that I hate. And if you asked any of my co - workers if I hated being there, they would tell you no, b/c I don't let it show. I put on my "happy" face and take it day by day. I do not wear my heart on my sleeve at all. Money will always be an issue and I am trying to come to terms with that, but not having any sure sucks. I have to have my wisdom teeth out next week and it's costing me $925 up front. I am worried about the whole procedure, just b/c I already had the bottom two out and had a horrible experience, so I am constantly thinking about it and being scared about it. I am also fighting with someone whom I love more than words can say and its killing me. She has apologized but I am just not ready to accept it and move on. I know I shouldn't harp on such things but with me feeling the way I have been it just seems like what I should do right now. She is not ready to let me go and be a woman, even though I have been living on my own and am 23 years old. There is just a lot that goes along with that topic. Now to the one that harps on my feelings the most....marriage. I LOVE my friends, I LOVE being a bridesmaid, I LOVE helping with weddings, what I don't love is when people tell me..."aww always a bridesmaid, never a bride"???? DON'T EVER SAY THAT TO ME. I can't tell you how much that destroys my person. I am so ready to be a wife. I am ready to be a Mrs. I am ready to have in laws, I am ready to be in a marriage, not just a partnership. I am ready to give all that I have left to Jacob fully. It is not just a piece of paper to me, it's a dream, it's a lifelong desire. It's something that I have always wanted, since I was a little girl. Not just the dream wedding (which I hope I get), its the marriage to Jacob. I have never loved a person the way that I love him. I care for him so deeply that it scares me sometimes. We are so wonderful for each other. Getting married is so important to me. People say well it will come in time and when it happens it will be wonderful.... ALL of those people are married and have been for over a year, its EASY for them to say those things, they are not in my position. I am so sick of talking and complaining about this I could explode. But it's how I feel, its what I feel. I am the type of person to let things fester and then they explode and I guess this is that blog to confirm that. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I just want to get this out and on the table, as if you didn't know I felt this way I know. I can't say that I am done talking, being sad about this, I can just thank you for reading and thinking of me. I love Jacob and my friends more than anything. I am grateful for you.